The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
-George Carlin

Here’s something from an email chain I typed up today… I was asked if we had solved the world’s problems… Here’s my response.

And yes we solved the world’s problems… the Mad-City Ski will be introducing a new car that runs off the energy generated by big bright show skier smiles. Just keep a shit eating grin on your face and it’ll cruise down the highway. Revert to a normal smile and it’ll stop damn near immediately. Still working on a way to power boats with this power, but they have a tough time maintaining their smiles as they pull people of the dock (some are concentrating just too hard to smile). Besides solving the world’s energy crisis and the issue of road rage (it’s just too hard to yell mean things while maintaining this smile), the ski team will make enough money to buy up Monona Bay and all the surrounding land and convert it into the world’s best show ski site and ski school. And we also plan to move MG&E’s hot water outputs into the bay to keep it heated year round for skiing.

I was then questioned on pissing off the property owners and fisherman, to which I replied…

In my plan, the property owners would be very well off. The team purchases all the land around the bay to plant more trees (wind blocks) and create a huge park/ski site along the south shore of the bay (that is the best shore in the summer with Madison predominate south winds.) Basically, it would be a park all around the bay with the exception of the side with the train tracks on the shore.

Fisherman would be happy too… based on the need to be able to run U shaped patterns, some new breakwaters would be installed in the southwest and southeast corners out in the bay to prevent waves from the U-shaped patterns from interfering with the calm water in the center of the show course. These breakwaters would be planted with trees to both provide additional windblocks and “hide” things that are out of the show course. The side of the breakwaters opposite the main show course would become prime fishing areas based on the new shoreline for small fish to hide which attract larger fish which the fishermen want. Due to the nature of the boat patterns, they’d be able to fish in these locations anytime, including during shows practices.

I can’t think of a way to help the ice fishermen though… they’d just be out of luck.

And in case you didn’t realize this by now… this is completely fictional and tongue-in-cheek. Not real. Don’t be offended or pissed off.